For once

For once I don't want to see anything
when I look into their eyes.
Not anger nor love,
or questions and concern.
Not sympathy nor disappointment
or awe or pain or wit.
Just for once.

For once I want to do away with all these masks,
all the webs we weave,
even the hats and the scarves.
One by one;
feel thousand times lighter every time.
For once I want.

I want to cry without thinking
what'd others make of it.
Others are people too. And people are just that.
And not cry the pensive adult
staring out the window two drops of tears cry.
True cry like I did as a kid.
For hours, for nothing.
Making my eyes red and head heavy as a hammer.
My face would hurt so bad that I forgot
why I was crying in the first place.
Still not quit it.
I'd cry till my shirt, hair and pride were soaked in tears.
Those warm tears felt just like bedsheets
when you wet them.
pee and tears are the same, I'd wonder.
I'd cry till I was tired, thirsty,
and melodramatically short of breath.
And at some point between despair and shame,
I'd drift to dreams. Sweet, sour and at times earwaxy.
For once I want to cry.

For once I'd just like to stop living
these projections of me, these half life uplinks.
Alternating egos I live.
These, that I created along the way
just because I could. Convenience.
Who'd stand up for beliefs and stuff?
Let me just create a version of myself
for this guy I like. Spain plays football.
I like Spain. I could like football for him.
La roja! Right?
Hey look an old lady judging women
who work late, let me just nod along;
way easier than, you know, speaking my mind.
For once I want to put an end to
stuff I make up about myself or to prove my point,
to appear cooler or whatever.
Quit telling other people's anecdotes in first person.
Just this once I want to put an end.

For once I want to not be me as me.
With all my ideas and principles;
set of values, prejudices, likes,
rights, wrongs, and okays.
This forsaken moral compass of mine. See things sans it,
Sans all the hard-wired shit.
With all the stress knots, relaxed.
All the scars
and grudges dissolved.
Generalizations revolved.
Old burns, wounds, touchy topics- all gone!
Look at everything from this other side.
Perspective.
Even how I read and enunciate the word Perspective
in my head. And how it makes me feel the next moment.
Like being in the same room as you
but being able see yourself from the ceiling.
Without the shackles of a limited, lesser wisdom.
Without my illusions of fear
and my fear of illusions,
without this misplaced misandry
or misanthropy in the garb of feminism.
Free of all these lenses, microscopes and fucking filters.
And just enjoy a bag of caramel popcorn.
Just this once.
And perhaps twice.

maybe caramel popcorn, thrice.