Mute Conversations

Today was odd. 
I almost spoke. 
Then I was suddenly uncomfortable. 
Not confident of what next.
It all started last summer when all my friends got jobs in other cities. I used talk to my lover for hours together; giggling, sniggering n whispering vacuum honey.
till one day we ran out of things to talk about, ran out of people who were wrong, ran out of funny dresses that women wear, ran out of rules, out of bounds, out of likes and dislikes, out of 'how was your day?s', the day we ran out of love and all the things  that come along with it.
earlier I would talk to my family and the gardener a little. Didn't enjoy it so that too soon lessened. 
Like the chill of painful winter giving way to spring. 
its been a year and a half 
Haven't spoken a word. Not a sentence, not a syllable. 
Don't miss it at all.
I do convey yes And no's with hmm and umm huh but that is all.
It is a pain when I have to buy cigarettes as I like ultra milds but they hand over milds. 
Pretty deluded I must say,
I have so much time and so much peace.
It's the best thing that has happened to me. 
It was very unnatural in the beginning but soon like everything else it became a second nature to not talk. Haven't had a fight with my mother for long. she has asked me several times why I don't talk, why don't I tell what's wrong, she cries and takes me to the conniving doctor sometimes, I want to warn her that his sole intention is money but too bad. I don't talk you see.. Sometimes I just play my recorded songs with out music so that she thinks I am doing riyaaz like old days. I used to be a singer and sang in for some ad jingles in the early 2000s also but then the ads got stars and aspirational punny one liners and had to lose the dumb jingle.
Maybe my mother knows I play recorded songs. 
So sometimes for her I lip sync and smile... She smiles back and says I need to improve..
But the truth remains that I haven't improved because it is a 3 year old sample... 
Sometimes she'd tell me to sing the hanuman chalisa but I dodge by ummhuhing 
It has taken away a lot of things like curiosity, anger, Impatience, impulsiveness, regret, 
bad grammar, bad singing, Habit of not paying heed to what others say, etc. 

To be contd.